The Crystal Springs Rhododendron Garden in Portland kicks massive ass. It’s straight outta Rivendell. I saw an elf standing next to a waterfall beneath a canopy of flowering trees shredding on his electric guitar for hours. I mean shredding. Like Prince playing “Purple Rain” in the rain, but it was a sunny day. Canadian Geese hissed, they were so fucking stoked. And I saw a man holding a big-ass camouflage wildlife camera—I mean big as a bazooka—and he aimed it straight up at a treetop, where a Bald Eagle screamed for vengeance as it landed, man. And everything was in bloom, and the sunlight made those little bright spots on the water, and it kicked so much fucking ass it was unbelievable. Oh, and they also do weddings there.