Everything Wrong with America Traced Back to “She’s a Bad Mama Jama”

Had we only known Carl Carlton’s music was the iceberg to the Titanic of American empire, we might have acted before it was too late.

Conservatives have spent many years trying to figure out exactly where America went wrong. My friends, I’m here to tell you they finally figured it out. It can all be traced back to “She’s a Bad Mama Jama.” It makes sense when you think about it:

Yeah
Ooh
Ooh…ooh…hoo
Look at her

She’s a bad mama jama
Just as fine as she can be, hey
She’s a bad mama jama
Just as fine as she can be
Her body measurements are perfect in every dimension
She’s got a figure that’s sho nuff gettin’ attention
She’s poetry in motion, a beautiful sight to see
I get so excited viewin’ her anatomy

How much clearer could it be?! The wanton lust. The excesses of the cultural revolution. The booty greed. America’s abandonment of traditional values like modesty and having sex through a hole in a sheet can all be traced back to “She’s a Bad Mama Jama.”

What’s wrong with the Statue of Liberty? Is she not “Bad Mama Jama” enough for us? Why not a GOOD Mama Jama? What’s wrong with THAT?! But no.

She’s a bad mama jama (Ooh, she’s bad)
Just as fine as she can be, hey
She’s a bad mama jama, ho…ho…
Just as fine as she can be
Woo, hoo
Na na na na na na na na na na na na
Woo, hoo
Na na na na na na na na na na na na
Woo, hoo

In truth, the entire canon of Carl Carlton is of grave concern. Consider “Everlasting Love” will you?

Open up your eyes
Then you’ll realize
Here I stand with my
Everlasting love
Need you by my side
Girl to be my bride
You’ll never be denied
Everlasting love

Referring to your penis as love. Miscegenation. Players tricking bitches with false promises. Had we only known Carl Carlton’s music was the iceberg to the Titanic of American empire, we might have acted before it was too late. Now the hull is cracked and there aren’t enough lifeboats, offshore banks, or chastity belts to save us.

Here’s Carl singing for an audience at PBS. PBS! Need I say more?

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