Gay Agenda Accomplished, Nation’s Gays Relieved to End Long Con of Being Nice People

“We finally have the same license to be jerks that straight people take for granted.”

San Francisco—Immediately after the Supreme Court decision to legalize gay marriage, gays across the country celebrated the end of their decades-long charade of being decent, friendly, nice people.

“Man, that was one long con,” said a gay man, who declined to give his name, at San Francisco bar Moby Dick’s. “For 30 years I’ve been courteous and convivial. But now that we’ve achieved this important milestone in the gay agenda, I can finally kiss all that goodbye and be a regular sonofabitch.”

On Friday, when the Supreme Court decision legalizing same-sex marriage in all 50 states was handed down, San Francisco, long known as one of the friendliest cities in the world, became noticeably less friendly.

A local lesbian, who identified herself only as “Jane Doe,” confirmed the sudden drop in civility levels: “Prepare yourself, folks. We finally have the same license to be jerks that straight people take for granted.”

Similar reactions have been reported in every major metro area in America.

In Minneapolis, gay men ripped up their previously well-tended lawns, donned stained wifebeater t-shirts, and incited passersby to argument. Residents were shocked at the behavior. Said Connie Jorgensen, 56, “I don’t understand it. They were such good neighbors before. But today, when I asked if they could bring in my trashcans while I was out of town, they only agreed to do it begrudgingly.”

Sociologists and political analysts cautioned straight Americans to be ready for further change. Said Fox News commentator Buck Stouthammer, “As gays achieve every item on their long gay agenda, straight Americans must prepare to confront a population of antisocial, belligerent, violent people. In other words,” he added, “it’ll be like looking at ourselves in the mirror.”

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