Trump to Provide Fecal Transplants to Every American Via TrumpCare

trump-fecal-transplant

Democrats question authenticity of feces.

Under a newly announced provision in TrumpCare, Donald Trump will personally provide fecal transplants to every American citizen. A fecal transplant procedure involves collecting feces from an individual (in this case Trump) and transplanting that feces into the intestines of another via the anus.

Trump supporters expressed gratitude and excitement at the prospect of receiving a fecal transplant from Trump himself. “What an honor, think of it, Trump’s own feces co-mingled with my own! I can only hope it gives me his gut instinct for business.”

TrumpCare’s fecal transplant program will be particularly demanding on the president during his first year in office, when Trump’s feces will be collected at every opportunity. “From now on,” Trump said, “Now one can say I don’t give a shit about America, okay?”

The human gut biome is seen by the medical community as having a critically important role in human health—not only in digestion, but in cognition and neurological health. The gut is home to many neurons and is sometimes called the second brain.

It’s America’s second brain that Trump aims to “make great again” with generous donations of his own feces—which will also count as tax deductions under a special provision within TrumpCare (Note: Only Trump can take advantage of these deduction as he is the sole provider of the feces).

The fecal transplant provision in TrumpCare stipulates that Donald Trump is allowed to use “ghostdefecators” (similar to ghostwriters for fecal implants). Democrats have criticized the plan, saying the ghostdefecator provision calls into question whether Americans will be receiving implants of genuine Trump feces.

“How can we possibly trust that Donald Trump will implant us with his own feces?” asked Chuck Shumer (D-NY). “There’s nothing in this bill that guarantees the authenticity or quality of the feces. Americans are smarter than that. They have a right to know the source of origin of the feces they will be receiving.”
Republicans have promised to create a congressional feces oversight committee to administrate the program.
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