Meet this year’s nominees for village idiocy’s highest honor.
The Village Idiot Hall of Fame just released the names of this year’s nominees for enshrinement. While some of these candidates may not make the final cut, many believe it’s an honor just to be nominated. Listed here are the things each was known for, their height of idiocy, and other biographical details.
William P. Biffidous
Known for: Breaking into ecstatic dance on any occasion or at any time for no apparent reason.
Height of Idiocy: Copulating with a sea urchin (also Cause of Death).
Other: Claimed he was a self-made man, “born whole from the ether.”
Known for: Playing stringed instruments with uncommon precision; Giggling wildly while painting tar on people’s butts.
Height of Idiocy: Sneaking into invading Barbarian camp one night to quietly brush exquisite landscape paintings on enemy butts. They awoke and retreated.
Other: Expelled from Berserkers for being “just too much.”
Samuel Bathton II
Known for: Inventing the Drunk Tank, a device that allows drunkards to keep breathing after passing out in mud.
Height of Idiocy: Lost a two dollar bet that he could chew and swallow a whole mason jar, then writhed in agony in the street for several days—when friends charged passersby a nickel to watch, the event became a fundraiser for patenting the Drunk Tank.
Other: Shouted the word “pure” over and over again in the church square while drinking pure grain alcohol. Very affectionate with dogs.
Dukel Van Bumplemeister
Known for: Selling limited edition upholstered furniture stuffed with his own hair; Silently performing acoustic air-guitar solos in the village square that would leave audiences breathless.
Height of Idiocy: Spending entire family fortune training for regional mustache competition. (He lost.)
Other: Preferred strawberry pancakes and would get extremely violent if served pancakes with any other type of berry. Scientists in the 20th century discovered Van Bumplemeister’s mustache hair stuffed vanity pillows served as vectors for the Black Plague.
Champs P. Pantse
Known for: Dressing impeccably above the waist and wearing no pants. Surprisingly skilled at fencing, jousting, broadsword.
Height of Idiocy: Refusing life-saving surgery to remove left buttock after chronic saddle sores became gangrenous.
Other: First graduate of the Austrian School of Economics.
Known for: Unshakeable faith and tireless advocacy for the domestication of squirrels.
Height of Idiocy: Starting a squirrel breeding and obedience camp for kids. Lost lawsuit filed by parents.
Other: Even as a child, refused to wear any shirt that did not have an arrow pointing to genitals.
Known for: Unwittingly inventing what would later become the Crayola crayon by combining food coloring with his own earwax.
Height of Idiocy: Selling the crayon idea for a hot tuna sandwich.
Other: Later settled lawsuit with Crayola for “an undisclosed hot tuna sandwich.”
Known for: Posting frequent status updates on Facebook.
Height of Idiocy: Making this comment about free community college: “Yeah make college free so it’s worthless great idea.”
Other: Spends 15 hours a day on computer and/or smart phone.